I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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