Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
