According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
