so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
