my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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