I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
