I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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