Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My feet surprised me
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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