Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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