I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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