I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
