there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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