the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
