quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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