and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
