Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
