So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
