and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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