Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Randomize
