Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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