apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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