You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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