I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
