I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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