It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
