pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You can't just leave with hair like that
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
