This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
