We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
