I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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