he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
