I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
