I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
