dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
