dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
