Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
