No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
