Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
jump out the window naked night went bad
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
