i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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