I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
