What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
