Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
