he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
