Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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