like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
