yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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