just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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