she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
