apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
