JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
