I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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